Family: the most important element. What Teens Want

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Sisters enjoying a moment of laughter

by Linda Shaw?

Family: The Most Important Element

What Teens Want

Gifts, styles, transportation, and the way we communicate all take on new modes, but feelings about families seem to remain constant. A recent poll from April of 2010 showed that 89 percent of those polled reacted positively to the term “family values”. Additionally in an October 2010 poll?76 percent of those polled responded to the statement: family represents “the most important element of my life.” Comparatively, only one percent of this poll responded that family was “not an important element of my life.”

Recently while visiting my own parents, I read a 1997 Readers Digest article entitled “What Teens Really Want,” by Rachel Wildavsky. 1022 teens between the ages of 16-18 were asked what they valued and their views on family. 76 percent believed their values were pretty much the same as their parents, and 96 percent expected to marry. When asked what they wanted out of life or what brought them the most satisfaction, 91 percent responded to “having a good marriage,” and 94 percent chose “raising healthy and happy children.” Other poll choices included: earning lots of money (28%), making a name for yourself (33%), being active in your community (38%), and having plenty of recreational time (42%).

As I read the article I was struck that even though times have changed, and parents are often overwhelmed by the societal empowerment of teens, teens still basically want to belong to family. They understand that family is not about a Hollywood ending where romance and fairy-tale endings make us walk away feeling wonderful, but questioning our own family reality. Nor does it need to be defined by material possessions, income, or even education. Family is about connecting with one another, no matter how hard times may be.

All families go through difficult times. ?Seventeen-year-old (in 1997) Jon Stokes of Dallas said that he learned a realistic lesson from his parents’ tenacious marriage. He said,

“Marriage isn’t all romance and lovey-dovey. You commit to staying through the bad times and you share your life. You think about your actions and you share your obligations.”

As the Christmas season wraps around me, I have been able to consider this “most important element” of my life. I am thankful for my teen -age son, and his older siblings. I am thankful for his love of tradition, and of how he seeks always to remind me to take time to create those “special moments.”
He has reminded me that Christmas isn’t about giving our teens what peer pressure demands of them or helping them keep abreast of the newest trends, it’s really about family and the emotional connections we make at this time of year.

Is it any wonder that Christianity began with a family, or that we associate the giving of gifts with family togetherness? Prophets have long proclaimed the importance of family and its role upon society. Is it any wonder that the Son of God chose to come to us, and to give us his example, through a family?

It is my wish that as the Christmas season draws itself around you, that you might understand the elemental love that families bring to all of us. That you won't worry about the many?inconsequential moments, but remember the most important element, to the most important moments of your life, those found within your family.

Merry Christmas.

Have you asked your teen what he values most?

Have you asked your teen about his values?

Source:
Roper Center for Public


Wildavsky, Rachel, and Nigel Holmes. "What Teens Really Want."?Readers Digest?(1997): 50-57. Print.c Opinion?75th Anniversary Edition?


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Holiday Family Traditions

This blog is dedicated to information about child development and parenting that individuals can take and apply to their family. It is also meant to bring up family life issues that we may not normally think about. We have authors who write on a variety of topics, such as infancy, toddlers, teens, fatherhood, grandparenthood, etc.

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Thanksgiving: Nurturing Family Relations

Cooking Lesson: My Grandmother, Father and Daughter?

?By Linda Shaw ?

My first Thanksgiving cooking lesson came at age eight, when my Great Uncle Lincoln taught me how to make mashed potatoes. His potatoes had a special ingredient that needed to be added in just the right way, at just the right moment.?

?I remember how his voice gave me confidence when he whispered,?

“It’s a secret family recipe that very few know, but everyone loves, you will do great.”

I was thrilled to be trusted to help cook a Thanksgiving dish. And, I remember how in those magical moments he made me feel part of my mother’s family; he helped me feel special, part of a greater whole.

Traditionally the Thanksgiving holiday has been a time when extended family has come together over dinner and activities.? Thanksgiving provides opportunity for family to discover one another, bond and express gratitude for the blessing of being family. ?As I remembered my own family Thanksgiving traditions, I recognized that the passing on of family recipes is but one-way families define and recreate themselves.

Below are a few ideas and considerations to help nurture family bonds between generations:

Cooking Lessons: Grandparents enjoy sharing memories associated with longstanding family recipes. Try to create opportunity for multi-generational cooking; as this is one-way children can become acquainted with extended family on a more personal level. See Cooking with Children?

AAA- All AgeActivities: Plan for activities that everyone can participate in and enjoy. A Family Football Game may not seem the best for everyone, but if you add cheerleaders, scorekeepers, announcers, and referees, etc. you can include all ages.?

Other activities:??bowling, biking, hiking, group games, crossword challenge (two teams race to do the same crossword), charades, music or talent shows, book readings, basketball, volleyball, song-singing, hide-n-seek, sardines, outside campfires, strategy games, card-games, puzzles, tournament (fishing, horseshoes, putting).?

?Genealogy – Thanksgiving is the perfect time for families to remember family history and lore. You could initiate interest by having younger family members think of questions to ask older family members, or you might place questions on small pieces of papers and place them in a bowl. You could also ask teens to interview family members with a tape recorder and create a documentary.

Memories – Place photos of Family Members who have passed on, have photo albums out for the younger generation to view or ?have a 'Family Hall of Fame Display'.? If a grandparent participated in a certain activity (sport, art, talent) be sure to let the younger generation know. Not only will it create a link of interest, but it will help them understand their own talents and interests.

Babies and Toddlers -?As a host be sure to make?accommodations?for the youngest family members by speaking to parents about naps, nursing, allergies, anxieties, etc, ?As a parent be sure to vocalize concerns about boundaries and your level of comfort with regards to your child. Respect for one another begins with good communication skills.?

Grandparents- Find a way to make the older generation feel needed, special, and appreciated. Allowing the sharing of recipes, talents, stories, or advice are but a few ideas.?

Miss Manners– Thanksgiving is a time for politeness and restraint. Before the day be sure to remind children and teens to practice manners by patiently waiting to join a conversation, refraining from speaking while chewing and respecting other’s opinions. Adults might also need to be reminded to respect generational differences, personal preferences, and parental boundaries.

Photos- Sometimes the best memories are candid moments. Assign a pre-teen, teen, or young adult to take random shots with a digital camera. Remind them to respect privacy by not taking photos of 1. People chewing food. ?2. Someone who asks them not to. ?3. Someone sleeping

Conversation - Conversation is a skill that requires practice. Encourage good conversation between family members by asking about non-personal subjects such as hometown city events, recent sport or cultural events, interests or activities, school interests, goals, or praise for recent accomplishments. Avoid discussions about health, debt, money, crime, job-searches, grades, or personal relationships.

What traditions does your family practice that helps you bond with one another?

How do you manage yourself and your family in multi-generational family gatherings??

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Making Family Home Evening Happen

by Malina
Monday evenings are supposed to be Family Home Evenings for Latter Day Saints. "It [is] to be a time of teaching, of reading the scriptures, of cultivating talents, of discussing family matters." - President Gordon B. Hinckley. Traditionally Family Home Evenings involve opening and closing prayers and songs, a gospel lesson, an activity and refreshments.

When children are little, it can be hard to feel like they are listening or learning anything. When you have a large age range of children, it can be difficult to create lessons that accommodate the variance in learning styles. Additionally, establishing the habit of holding family home evening takes effort. This past General Conference again had a message of the importance of holding family home evening.

?"Courageous parenting does not always involve saying no. Parents also need courage to say yes to the counsel of modern-day prophets. Our Church leaders have counseled us to establish righteous patterns in our homes. Consider five fundamental practices that have the power to fortify our youth: family prayer, family scripture study, family home evening, family dinner together, and regular one-on-one interviews with each child." - Elder Larry R. Lawrence

If you have ever had a hard time with family home evening, take heart that you aren't alone. But don't give up. Be strong and courageous and keep trying. Sometimes a lesson may only last thirty seconds. Perhaps all you do for a lesson is read a story from The Friend. The most important thing is that you keep trying and doing your best. I think the following analogy is especially effective:

"In my office is a beautiful painting of a wheat field. The painting is a vast collection of individual brushstrokes—none of which in isolation is very interesting or impressive. In fact, if you stand close to the canvas, all you can see is a mass of seemingly unrelated and unattractive streaks of yellow and gold and brown paint. However, as you gradually move away from the canvas, all of the individual brushstrokes combine together and produce a magnificent landscape of a wheat field. Many ordinary, individual brushstrokes work together to create a captivating and beautiful painting.
Each family prayer, each episode of family scripture study, and each family home evening is a brushstroke on the canvas of our souls. No one event may appear to be very impressive or memorable. But just as the yellow and gold and brown strokes of paint complement each other and produce an impressive masterpiece, so our consistency in doing seemingly small things can lead to significant spiritual results. “Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great” (D&C 64:33). Consistency is a key principle as we lay the foundation of a great work in our individual lives and as we become more diligent and concerned in our own homes." - Elder David A Bednar

To make family home evening happen consistently, it must be a priority. Write it on the calendar and do not schedule anything else on Monday evenings. In my experience it is best not to combine Family Home Evening with calendaring or planning sessions. When you mainly have children under five, a successful lesson will be only about five minutes (or less) and the entire meeting will probably only be 20-30 minutes, unless you have a longer activity. Simple lessons are often more effective than elaborately planned ones.

Suggested resources for variety: The Friend or New Era or Ensign magazines, The Family Home Evening Resource Book, Gospel Principles, The Nursery manual "Behold your little ones", the most recent General Conference edition of the Ensign, numerous websites of ideas exist, including this one from the LDS church. This one contains a large index of ideas on various topics too.

What has been the best thing for helping your family consistently hold family home evening? What positive effects has you seen as a result of your consistent efforts?

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Labels, Love and the Family Environment

?? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Autism's First Child?Donald Triplett??(click for link to video)




In 1943 Donald Triplett, of Forest Mississippi became the first child to be diagnosed with Austism. His parents chose to not only accept him as he was, but created a hometown environment of love and friendship that refused (even at age 77) to allow others to misinterpret or misrepresent him or his "oddity."?

The scientific study of psychology is relatively new. It was organized only as recently as 1879 in Europe (University of Leipzip) and 1883 in America (John Hopkins University).?In more recent years psychologists have categorized children’s behavior with greater detail and labels such as Aspergers, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) Autism,?Learning Disabled (LD), have been added to a growing list of psychological behaviors.??

Why are these labels important?

In complex social environments?psychological labels help educators, physicians, families and?communities?gain a deeper understanding of the human experience.


Labels or the?categorization?of behaviors can:?

• Teach self-awareness?
• Teach self- discipline?
• Identify genetic dispositions
• Prevent situations or environments based on misconceptions
• Identify ability
• Identify appropriate teaching methods?
• Identify appropriate communication tactics
• Advocate respectful attitudes ?
• Build self-esteem
• Create safe boundaries
• Increase expectations
• Allow for group socialization and support?
• Identify family genetics ?

Labels help professionals and family members find greater understanding. They offer insight into how the child perceives the world thus improving communication. ?When understood and used with love, labels can reduce frustration and help build self-esteem. Labels can help children safely explore the boundaries of both expectations and limitations.?

Why not labels??


Many families, students, and educators have difficulty accepting labels. A few things to consider about labels:?

• Diagnosis are not Universal. It has been said that if you meet one child with Aspergers you have met one child with Aspergers.?
• Misinformation causes miscommunication and misunderstanding
• Over-Diagnosis - It's the current trend to have ADHD. Could it really be so prevalent??
• Over Prescription of medications. One medication leads to another which may lead to yet another..etc.
• Limitation - A risk to grouping by commonality is that you group students who are more different than alike.
• Self Prophecy - Labels may cause a child to focus on certain aspects of their personality at the expense of others.?

In the Donald Triplett story, his parents took him to many different experts. In the end, rather than trying to fix him, they accepted his unique gifts and worked with his hometown community to ensure him a safe social experience. ?I was impressed that when the authors of the Atlantic Story were doing their research they were "promised" that if they did anything to hurt Mr. Triplett, it would come back to haunt them. It was obvious that a great deal of respect, love, and admiration existed for this "first child" of autism.?

What can families do??

When I watched and listened to this story, I was overcome with the feeling of love that Mr. Triplett's family had for him. They confronted his issues by gaining an education from the best doctors of the time. They reevaluated him as knowledge and perceptions changed. They elevated their love by creating a circle of love for him that extended throughout their community. If other's felt that Mr. Triplett's behavior was odd, they learned to accept it as his "norm". He was praised for his abilities, protected from?exploitation, given opportunity for new experience, shown kindness, given the hope of realistic expectations, and accepted for who he was. In essence his family created for him an?environment?of love where his self esteem and self image were above the scientific definition. His self image has not been defined by his diagnosis, it has rather been honed by it.?

If today he has quirks, he does not allow them to interfere with his travels, his friends, or his "golf game." ?His family taught all of us of how family can bring the love and understanding that science cannot bring. It can create an environment where love is given priority. All children deserve to be seen mainly through the prescription of ?"family love."?

Source:
Donvan, By John, and Caren Zucker. "Autism’s First Child - Magazine - The Atlantic."?The Atlantic News and Analysis on Politics, Business, Culture, Technology, National, International, and Food – TheAtlantic.com. Oct. 2010. Web. 17 Nov. 2010. .

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